Why you suck at succulents...part 1 (light)
Hey there (winky face). Soooo, I could expound about how I haven't posted for literally two years, and you could get all sour and bent out of shape, and I could grovel and cry for forgiveness. But, what's the point? That just requires more time & energy from us, and let's get real, we've got as much of those things as a baby has opinions on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yeah, I'm edgy & informed!
Anyway, let's just fast forward to the part where you're happy I'm back...(fast forward noise from a real 1990's cassette tape)
Hello lovelies.
I call this piece, "Leggy Echeveria, Or What Happens to a Succulent Deprived of Light."
I hope the title caught your attention. My agent tells me I probably shouldn't insult everyone immediately after a 2-year absence, but, she's imaginary so I don't listen to her all that much. Anyway, in case you don't understand titles, we're going to learn about succulents today! Most importantly, we're going to learn about how & why you're always killing them so that we can all get past the conversation I'm literally always having with everyone about why their succulents keep dying. So PLEASE, share this FAR & WIDE because if I NEVER had to have that conversation again, I'd be STOKED.
I'm going to break this up into a few parts, because there's actually a lot to tell. People tend to make one (or four) of FOUR big errors when trying to grow succulents. So, I'll go over one per week for the next four weeks. That's how committed I am to you. And to NOT having this conversation anymore.
So, get ready for the hard facts. I'm not gonna treat you like your granny does on Christmas. I'm gonna treat you like a big kid, so deal with it.
You can't put succulents in dark rooms.
Succulents are desert plants. That's desert like a hot, dry, sandy place. Not dessert, like chocolaty (that looks WEIRD), moist, delicious sweets. Everyone tracking? Good. I still feel like I need to spell it out - DON'T EAT SUCCULENTS.
ANNNNYWAY. Because of this fact, they're more inclined to enjoy the sun. And dry soil. And heat.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "then WHY do I see all of these photos on Pinterest and junk showing succulents looking totally awesome in dark bedrooms and dim libraries and dank basements?" You're not alone in your confusion. The answer is: because succulents look cool, so photographers & room-stager-extraordinaires place them in their shots to make the rooms look cool. But the succulents don't like it in there & will look like crap/die if they're left in there too long.
In summary - succulents look crappy & die when forced to live in a dark room.
Now, I'm an actual teacher, so I'm going to go one step further than your typical plant-care-bloggess (I'm not sure that's true, but it makes me sound good) and SHOW you what happens when succulents live in dark spaces. Actually, it's what happens to basically ALL plants when they're craving light. So wise up, fools!
Here's a pic of a succulent that's received plenty of light throughout it's life.
Bask in its nice "tight habit." Those words are plant jargon for, "Aww, it's growing cute and it doesn't look like shit." VOCAB ALERT: What's happening is phototropism. This is when a plant grows toward light if it's not getting it's fill of it. The stem on the side of the plant facing away from the light grows MORE, to PUSH the plant's leaves toward the light source. When this happens, you get a lot more stem action, if you know what I mean. Leaves space out more on the stems, making the plant look "leggy," or "bare," or "shitty." See below????
SO, if you want your succulent's habit to be TIGHT, put it right on up next to a south facing window. Or (as we'll discuss more in a later post) put it OUTSIDE! Cuz that's where the sun is! You just have to make sure the temp won't murder it - again - more on that later!
If you're thinking, "My succulent already IS next to a window and it STILL looks like crap," just wait for my next blog post. And in the mean time - don't water your succulent AT ALL (if it's indoors). Let that puppy dry out. I'll see you someday in the future.
Sayonara mademoiselles,
I'm Kiley